


Dear Mikasa

by polariiis



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Letters, Romance, Self-Reflection, World Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:40:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26926735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polariiis/pseuds/polariiis
Summary: There’s a sense of contentment with the way this trip is going, but a small part aches at the thought that I’m an ocean away from you right now.—Or the seven letters Eren wrote to Mikasa during his trip to discover the world.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, Gabi Braun/Falco Grice, Levi/Hange Zoë, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 120





	1. The First Letter

_Dear Mikasa,_

I know you said to write letters to you frequently, but I am pretty sure you did not expect me to write as soon as I board the train. Sorry, I just had to, because I want to write to you as much as I can, and I don’t know how often I’ll get to do that when I cross the Atlantic soon.

I find comfort in sitting in the train just watching the ~~sceneries~~ scenery pass by in a blur, with only the hum of the train as my background music. We’ve passed by sprawling landscapes and cliffs and lots of greenery, and I’m surprised I have never really paid attention to this side of America, because I definitely prefer this quiet beauty. It reminds me of you, but I don’t know why, so don’t ask me. Anyway, they should try putting this more in postcards.

The train isn’t too crowded, thank God. This borders on romanticizing, but there’s just something poetic with how passengers are going about their own business, but at the same time bound by the destination. Maybe they’re on the way home, maybe they’re going to do something for work, or maybe they’re like me, going far away from home. I’m trying to think about how it feels to look forward to coming home, but I can’t picture it. I’m probably just too stoked in starting this journey.

Okay. So I told you that leaving Shiganshina County and traveling alone has always been my dream, but as my best friend since forever, I’d like to be honest with you that, well, I wasn’t completely honest.

This is not just a dream, because to me, dreams are aspirations, something that I want to happen, and will pursue in my own time. But this. This is an insatiable need, similar to my need to gorge food when I haven’t eaten the whole day. I know it will ~~kill me~~ eat me away until I get to do it.

I couldn’t pinpoint exactly where this is all coming from, but I think there’s a monster inside me that yearns to explore, to leave the small town I have always called home, and discover the world with my own eyes, and not just in stories and books and movies. It got so bad that I have stopped looking forward to the future other than satisfying this need. This is why I couldn’t tell you what I wanted to major in college. Because I simply do not know.

All the same, I’m scared. I’m excited, but scared shitless. What if after I get to do this traveling, I still find myself unsatisfied? What if my whole life, I’ll be doing this, never to settle in one place for even longer than a month? The idea actually scares me, but I have to keep moving forward right now.

I’m sorry for not letting you come with me. I was so sad when you wouldn’t even talk to me during our graduation party. I need to do this alone, and I am grateful that Mom and Dad and you (eventually) understand that, even though I saw you one time checking out visa requirements. Haha. Don’t even try denying it. More importantly, I cannot allow you to choose this uncertainty of travelling with no purpose, over your ambitions. Taking time off school will delay your dream of becoming a lawyer. Plus, you can’t easily defer your enrollment in UCLA. Yes, I Googled it, because, uhm, I _may_ _have_ considered bringing you with me. But again, if that would mean letting go of your admission in one of the amazing schools in California, then no, I won’t allow that _at all_.

I don’t have anything to say in the meantime, other than to take care of yourself. Hopefully Armin is staying hydrated while digging in the dirt in Egypt. I have to decide yet when I can visit him. You can address your letter to Zeke’s house until the end of August. You can also send your letter through my email, but right now, I just want to write you a nice letter on a piece of paper, just to continue practicing my handwriting. Please don’t forget to water my plants when you check up on Mom and Dad.

_Eren_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I still have to update No one told you, but I just had to get this one out after Chapter 133 wrecked the living shit out of me. Don't worry, this will just be a short multichapter. Feedback is appreciated! I'm also on Tumblr: @polaris-thehunter if you want to connect! :)


	2. The Second Letter

_Dear Mikasa,_

You’re right. Receiving letters is such a wonderful thing. I mean, I am happy with the emails I receive from Mom (and boy, does she send so much emails), but I wouldn’t trade for _anything_ the giddiness I felt when I saw your letter in the mailbox today. Because of that, I’ve decided to make this a regular thing from now on. I hope you feel giddy too when you receive this letter, smiling to yourself that your most handsome best friend has wrote to you again.

I hate to admit it, but seeing your handwriting made me miss home. Those nights when we would pull all-nighters with Armin for an exam are still fresh on my mind, your elegant handwriting sticking out in my messy notes that are scattered all over the floor. I think I still have that photo of you asleep on my table with drool dripping from your mouth. I swear I’m going look for it. Haha.

I’m glad Jean is helping you move your things to your dormitory, but why just him? You should ask Sasha and Connie to help you too. I trust Jean with every fiber of my being, as a friend and teammate in football. But I just don’t trust him being alone with you. He’s… not like Armin. His horse face and devilish expressions look like he’s planning something sinister every day, and I know you can easily kick his ass, but it would give me peace of mind if you don’t go alone with him. ~~If I was there, I would move all your things for you, even if we have to climb hundreds of stairs back and forth.~~ Besides, it will be faster and easier if more hands will help. I’m going to email Springles once I finish this letter.

Summer in Boston is pretty nice. It’s warm, but comfortable enough to walk under the sun without being drenched in sweat. People here think my tan is fake, and I think at one point I did pretend to know how to surf. They can’t verify that, anyway. I also finally met Pieck, Zeke’s girlfriend. She’s an elementary school teacher, and has really long black hair, like yours. I think your hair is nicer, though. ~~It has this silky quality that~~ They’ll visit home this Christmas, and I have a feeling that Zeke just wants Mom and Dad’s attention all to himself. I’m jealous. But you _will_ go in my place, right?

Zeke got me a job as a janitor in the hospital he’s working at, just until we leave for Vienna. It’s easy as A-B-C, easy-peasy, lemon squeezy, big thanks to our training with Levi in cleaning your house every week. Come to think of it, why did that terrifying midget always ask _me_ to clean your house, and not Armin?

Last week, I visited the grave of my stepmom Dina. She looked motherly and kind in the photos, without a single hint of the fierce quality Mom has (please don’t tell her!). Zeke must have been devastated to lose her at a young age, and I don’t even want to think about losing Mom. Please take care of her for me, Mik. Dad can’t control her sometimes, and for some unfathomable reason, she listens to you. I’m counting on you on this. Ugh, sorry if I dampened the mood. I hope you’re feeling alright.

Anyway, I was grinning so much the other day while browsing through Zeke’s baby photos (he had a photo where he was butt naked), but it felt so weird seeing a 20-year-old Dad with Dina. I never told you this, but when I found out that Dad had a wife before Mom, I wondered how it felt like to love someone _that way_ , and moreso, to forget _that_ someone and move on to another one!

Is it really that easy to fall out of love? If yes, then what’s the deal? What’s the fuss with falling in love? I wouldn’t know because I haven’t fallen in love with anyone yet. Have _you_ been in love, Mik? I wonder why we never talked about stuff like this with Armin, though I doubt he’d have anything to say on the matter, since we’re all clueless about romantic shit. Nonetheless, I don’t think I ever will fall in love, at the rate my life is going. Still, can’t help but be curious.

That’s it for now. I miss you too. A lot. Stay hydrated, water my plants, and say hi to Levi, Auntie and Uncle A for me.

_Eren_

P.S.: Please use the coaster I bought for you last Christmas when you finally move to your dorm. I could faintly see a trace of coffee stain in the letter.


	3. The Third Letter

_Dear Mikasa,_

I’m sorry if this letter took too long. Ever since Zeke and I left Boston, I haven’t stayed in a city for more than three days, which made it hard for me to write a proper response and send it by mail. It’s been an eventful ride so far, but first things first.

Your roommate Mina sounds nice to me. Just, you know, don’t get too close with a lot of boys there. I don’t want you to get into trouble, and Armin’s not there yet ~~to report things to me~~ to check up on you. I swear to God, Mik, if anybody messes with you, I’m going to book a flight just to kick their asses.

Another thing. Why did your professor give you a fish? Are you supposed to keep it alive until the end of the semester as requirement? Sounds ridiculous to me. Most importantly, why did you name it “Eren”? Do I look like a fish to you? You better keep me alive, Mik. And don’t stay up too late studying. Don’t neglect your meals and vitamins, you need all the energy you can get. Am I asking too many favors now? Don’t worry, I never forget to buy your fridge magnets in every country I pass by.

Now to your juiciest news: How did it feel like, catching Levi and Hanji making out? Ugh, the mental image gives me shivers. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely have no problem with them, I just don’t want to see any two people necking. Also, wow. Levi _and_ Hanji. I thought they were like best friends forever or something. Is that even possible, friends then lovers? Aren’t best friends, like, off-limits? ~~That’s like you and me, but I don’t know if that will feel gross.~~

Zeke and I parted ways when we arrived in Vienna. He had to stay there for a few days to attend some medical conference, while I explored there for a bit, staying in the cheapest motels I could find with the little German that I know. My ancestors must be ashamed of me right now.

This part of the world just looks and feels so different. Add to this the fact that no one knows me and people speak languages except English, so yes, I try to be on my best behavior. It won’t be so easy anymore to explain myself out of trouble.

In the few European countries I passed by, I could say that the architecture really stands out. To me, they’re vestiges of the opulence of kings and queens that managed to survive wars and calamities. All the same, they’re a sight to behold. After all, they’re a testament to the artistry of people who lived centuries ago.

I decided to go to Italy, and you will probably wonder what I was thinking, but I went to Vatican and attended mass. I’m not Catholic, I’m not religious and I don’t know if I believe in a god, but when I caught sight of the Pope, I just felt so moved. Peaceful, even. I realized that it’s comforting to believe that there’s a higher being out there looking over humanity. I didn’t know how to pray, so I just wished for the safety of my family and friends. And the eradication of poverty and hunger.

I’m currently here in Trieste, and I have been staying here for two weeks now. I got a temporary job as a janitor (again) in a restaurant, which is good because I get free meals every day. Trieste is a port city, and I love it here so much because I wake up to the sight of the vast sea and the sound of waves— just the way we dreamed of when we were kids. When the weather is nice, I sit in the harbor watching the sunset. But the sea gets violent sometimes, and I could almost relate— one minute peaceful, then suddenly waves are crashing and boats are swaying madly, although I have a feeling that I’m starting learn how to calm the storms inside me.

There’s a sense of contentment with the way this trip is going, but a small part aches at the thought that I’m an ocean away from you right now. When I feel homesick, I read your letters again because your stories never fail to cheer me up. I think my favorite words now are “Dearest Eren”. Thank you for letting me share all these thoughts with you, Mik. You don't know how comforting this is to me. Take care always.

_Eren_


	4. The Fourth Letter

_Dear Mikasa,_

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Mik! I’m writing my greetings in advance just in case this letter gets delayed. Rest well this holiday break, I know you’ve been exhausted from school. Nope, don’t deny it. Sasha told me when she emailed me, and she noticed the fat bags under your eyes when she visited you in October.

Before I left, Levi gave me a piece of advice that I took to heart: to always do whatever I will regret the least, that I can’t be miserable over my own decisions, and the only way to move forward is to accept my mistakes.

But I swear to God, choosing to come to Russia in time for winter is the worst decision I have ever made, and I regret it every fucking morning when my balls are freezing (sorry). I settled here in Saint Petersburg in the meantime, and it’s goddamn cold in here— the temperature drops to 20 degrees! And I don’t even think this is the coldest yet. I hoarded coats in the flea market, which has the most amazing but cheap stuff, by the way. I bought Armin a beret similar to Che Guevara’s, I think he will love it since he always harbored socialist sentiments. Anyway, I wear at least three thick layers of clothing every day, which is a pain in the ass. I don’t think you will like it here.

I met a family which thankfully knows how to speak English, the Grice’s. Actually, “meeting” them is a far cry from what actually happened.

When I arrived in Saint Petersburg by train, I almost slept in the station because I’ve been feeling ill, I couldn’t move. Apparently, I was experiencing the initial symptoms of hypothermia. My body was probably slow to adjust in the weather and, uhm, I forgot to bring winter clothes. Fortunately, this 12-year-old kid, Falco Grice, found me, and he and his brother Colt brought my nearly unconscious body to their home. I could hear you scolding me right now, Mik, but Mrs. Grice already did that for you. Boy, did she give me an earful, it’s like living with Mom again.

I owe them my life, and their family has been very kind to me. Mr. Grice grew up in Arizona, and he met Mrs. Grice here in Saint Petersburg. When they learned that I’m kind of a nomad right now, they gave me a job in their warehouse where I mostly lift heavy things, and sometimes I do a little cleaning in their house. Mrs. Grice taught me how to knit, so I hope you like the red mittens that I made for you as my Christmas gift. Doesn’t cost anything, really, but I’m proud of it. I spent several nights knitting until my fingers were sore. Kidding, Mik, but you know I’d do anything for _you_. Hopefully it complements the scarf I gave you. The color brings out your dark, lovely eyes.

Falco talks to me a lot, and he’s been telling me about his schoolmate and crush named Gabi who lives nearby. They’re childhood friends, just like us, so I also shared some stories about you, like how we became friends when you got lost in the park and I stayed with you until Levi found us, how you always protected me and Armin from the bullies, and how you were always fussing over me. 

Anyway, Gabi doesn’t understand why Falco forces her to eat a lot, or why he tells her to stop doing reckless things, so she gets furious all the time (seriously, I could see myself in that kid) and they end up bickering. It was exhausting, so I told Falco to confess to her, which he straight up did! He said, _‘I worry about you because I want you to live a long life, so we could get married and be happy forever’_ or something like that. It would have been the cutest shit I have ever witnessed, if not for the fact that I was there like a third wheel and gaping like a fish. Me! A third wheel to two twelve-year-olds! I couldn’t believe it. On the upside, everything is good between them. They haven’t bickered for a while now, and I think Gabi likes him too.

Russia is breathtaking, gloomy weather aside, but the thing that stood out to me is that people here really drink _A LOT_. Mr. Grice and Colt brought me to a bar, and they were sipping vodka like water! And that shit is strong, no joke. My alcohol tolerance is pretty good, but damn, the Russians are on a totally different level. On the other hand, I realized that no matter the culture, language or circumstances, a good drink never fails to bring people together. Pretty incredible, if you ask me.

I’ll be meeting Armin in January, so you can address your next letter to him. I don’t think I can survive more winter months here.

I miss you so much, Mik. I’ve been dreaming about you a lot lately, and I don’t know why. It’s confusing as hell. Maybe because this is the first time that we won’t be spending the holidays together. I really wish you were with me right now. The Christmas lights and decorations here are all stunning, but to be honest, it feels so incomplete without you. Take care always.

_Eren_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would appreciate feedback! :)


	5. The Fifth Letter

_Dear Mikasa,_

I’m glad that you enjoyed the holidays. Thank you for the shirt. I’m very well aware that I only brought a few shirts, but it’s for convenience and portability, Mik. I can’t lug two bags every time I move, especially when I take the train or bus as much as I can. _Stop_ making fun of me, okay.

So, holiday drama featuring Zeke and Levi, huh? They’re so ridiculous. They’re adults, for chrissake. I can’t even remember what started their intense animosity towards each other. Is it because of Erwin? I remember Zeke making fun of Erwin’s eyebrows before, but I’m not really sure. Auntie must have been unhappy. And I can’t believe you and Kenny just watched! Who won the brawl this time, though? Levi’s strong and athletic, but I’m betting on Zeke because he’s been into judo last time we talked.

I arrived here in Cairo a week ago, and Armin picked me up from the airport. I didn’t realize it, but I missed him a lot. He’s tanned now, and he cut his coconut hair! Which reminds me, Mom sent me a photo of you with your new hair. You look really ~~hot~~ beautiful, Mik. It suits you. Man, I now have the longest hair among the three of us!

Armin seemed to enjoy his experience here, but he said he’s been feeling homesick and couldn’t wait to go home. In a way, I can’t help but feel the same too. The beautiful scenery and new experiences sometimes couldn’t quench the loneliness that slowly creeps up on me.

Weather’s warm here even if it’s still “winter”, which is a relief because I still feel the chills in Saint Petersburg. We went to Giza for two days to visit their fieldwork site and to see the pyramids, which are majestic to say the least. The desert felt like a yellow ocean, with the way it stretches as far as the eyes could see.

The experience here is totally different compared to Europe, and I’ve been here for just a few days. I was a bit shocked at first, but eventually I found impressive the way Islam is embedded in the everyday life of the people here. Religion is at the forefront in every aspect, and their dedication to their beliefs amaze me. And the mosques are stunning too, distinct from the baroque or gothic style in the west. Hmm, maybe I can take up architecture if I go to college.

Now to the biggest, juiciest revelation that shook me to my core: ARMIN HAS A GIRLFRIEND! I know! I couldn’t believe it! I mean, he’s good looking and all, but he never really expressed any interest in girls in high school, so I was really surprised that come college, suddenly he’s all romantic and shit. Our sweet boy is a man now, Mik.

Her name’s Annie Leonhart, and they met in this apprenticeship since she also majors in Anthropology in UC Berkeley. She’s this small, blonde girl who glares at everybody except Armin, though she did smile at me once.

Remember what I said in my letter before about falling in love? Well, Armin and I sort of had a conversation about this the other night. I asked him how it feels like, how he knew he loved her. He said he couldn’t explain it fully, which was surprising because Armin never failed at words, but he said something about caring for her in a _different_ way, that he thinks about her all the time, and that he feels this _need_ to be by her side. I told him that his explanation sounds weird, because that’s exactly how I feel at times. He just shrugged and told me to think about it.

He also said that the greatest thing about falling for someone is having the feeling reciprocated by that person, which is probably true. I noticed how much they smiled around each other, and not in a cringe-y way. Annie’s got this quiet, cold exterior, but when she talks to Armin, the icy glare just melts away. And man, Armin? He stares at her a lot, like he’s memorizing every freckle in her face— which would have been creepy if I didn’t know any better. Maybe this is how falling in love looks like.

Look, Mik. I don’t want us to be awkward or anything, but Armin said that _you_ _have_ , in fact, _been in love_ , and that the reason you turn down your admirers… is because of me. Is it true? If yes, then why? ~~Being away from you made me notice a lot of things~~ And why do you care so much about me? ~~Which is different from the way you care about Armin.~~ Do you… care for me in a _different_ way? Or is it just because we’re like family, that we’ve known each other since we were kids? What am I to you, Mik?

Sorry, I hope you don’t mind the bluntness. I just want to know because my thoughts have been really strange lately. I don’t understand them _at all_ , and Armin hasn’t been helpful. In fact, he just made it a lot more confusing. Anyway, I’ll be flying to Southeast Asia on the third week, and I included here the address of the place I’ll be staying at in Vietnam. Take care always, Mik.

_Eren_


	6. The Sixth Letter

_Dear Mikasa,_

My brain is fried from thinking of what to say to you since I received your letter.

Well, first things first. Thank you. Your letter was wonderful and I felt really happy reading the kind and nice words you have for me. Thank you for being brave and for telling me all those things. You were never the type to use words in expressing your affection, so I know it must have been tough for you— although I admit it helps that we’re just writing out these things. Saves us from a lot of awkwardness, at least for me, because I don’t want to blurt out anything that I don’t mean. You know how tactless and impulsive I can get.

Most importantly, thank you for loving me the way you do. I didn’t know the scarf meant that much to you— to us. Looking back, I can now see how you always showed that you cared in a _different_ way since we were kids— how you always believed in me and my capabilities, but also calling me out on my stupid moments. How you always forgave me when I hurt you, even when I didn’t deserve it. How you always understood me, even when I never made the same effort to understand you. I don’t know what you saw in me, Mik. I don’t deserve someone so beautiful, so selfless, so kind. You’re perfect, Mikasa.

Which is why this is really difficult for me to say, and I don’t know how to put this properly in a way that will not sound like I’m rejecting anything, or not reciprocating anything.

It’s just that everything’s so confusing to me right now. Things have been really weird, and not just because I’m miles away in a foreign land adjusting all on my own, but I have also been trying to process my thoughts and feelings, which are both mentally exhausting. And then there’s you, invading my waking thoughts and sleepless nights.

Since I left, Mik, I have been missing you. A lot. So much, it fucking hurts in the chest. But I feel better in the morning anyway because I dream of you every night and my brain gets to hear your voice. In every place I visit, I always wonder if you will enjoy it there, or if you will feel comfortable with all the strangers. If you will love the food I eat, or if you will like the people I encounter. If you will enjoy my company.

I re-read your letters often, trying to imagine your facial expressions while you were writing to me— if your eyebrows furrow in concentration, or if you wear that dreamy look in your eyes when you’re happy. In my mom’s emails, I look forward to her stories about you when you visit at home. When I nearly died in Saint Petersburg, the last thing I remembered before falling into unconsciousness was your face.

I don’t tell you these things in my letters because first, I don’t want to sound creepy, and second, I don’t understand where these feelings are all coming from. I _really_ don’t, and I don’t know how to stress enough to you that this feeling of uncertainty is driving me mad.

Right now, I don’t know if what I feel for you is love, too. In a romantic way, and not just in a friendly, familial way. I can’t seem to distinguish them when it comes to you. I don’t know if the reason I’m feeling all these things is because I’m just so used to your presence in my life, that it feels like I’m having a withdrawal or something. You have just been there for me since forever, that suddenly being without you is agony in itself.

Or maybe I’m just possessive of you as my best friend, in a way that I don’t want to share you with anybody else. Remember when I didn’t talk to you for days because you went to junior prom with Armin? It was so confusing, too. Was it because I felt left out? Or was I just jealous of Armin for going with you? Does that even count as love or just plain teenage stupidity? What _is_ love, anyway? And now I’m back to fucking square one. You see, I don’t make sense at all.

Mik, I don’t want to say that I love you too without actually understanding what it means to me, when I’m not even sure if I love you _the way_ you love me. I don’t want to hurt both of us and in the long runend up ruining this strong, beautiful friendship that we have, just because I was careless with my words.

But if it means anything, these are the things that I am _certain_ of right now: That I miss you, that I care for you more than anybody else, and that I think of you every single day. But the nagging doubt never goes away. There’s too much that I’m not sure of, and I need time to think about them, to be sure of myself, and what I feel for you.

The countryside charm of Hanoi helps with the reflection, and the stars are lovely and clear at night. And here I am again, wishing that you were stargazing with me at this moment.

Belated happy birthday. I’m such an asshole, and I probably ended up hurting you when it’s your birthday and after you confessed to me. You deserve love with no doubts, which I cannot give right now, and I would understand if you will hate me. I’m really sorry. I really am. Sounds hypocrite, I know. But please take care always, Mik.

_Eren_

* * *

After this letter, Mikasa sent Eren a mixtape for his birthday. _The songs would suffice,_ she thought. She never wrote back to him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Mikasa's mixtape, I do hope you give it a listen because I tried to encapsulate her feelings in a few songs :) https://tinyurl.com/seeyoulatereren or spotify URL: spotify:playlist:5qPcyyNmoVoGG764nxcaKX
> 
> Also, I just want to say something here. I hope this wasn't too abrupt. I tried to show how Eren’s feelings were always there from the start but he either tries to hide them (thus the strikethroughs) or he simply doesn’t recognize his feelings for her. It’s pretty difficult to portray how Eren would react to love because we haven’t explicitly seen him in canon think about his feelings. Rather, we’re getting pieces from Isayama and we try to fit these pieces together. So, this is just my take on it. 
> 
> I’m also drawing this from experience (hahaha) because I did have someone before who had to go away, who wrote emails to me, and at one point he said he was utterly confused if what he was feeling for me was really love. It was devastating, so we cut ties. He reached out to me years later, and I told him realizations are a bit too late now.
> 
> As for Mikasa’s reaction, I think she’s really selfless and their connection goes far beyond romantic feelings. They’ve been friends forever, so she may either accept that Eren may never feel the same way, or she waits for him until he understands his feelings for her.


	7. The Seventh (Unsent) Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last letter Eren wrote for Mikasa.

_Dear Mikasa,_

~~I’ve been very stupid, Mik~~

~~Wow, time flies by so fast. It’s been four months since I last wrote to you, huh?~~

~~Why haven’t you wrote back?!~~

How are you? I hope you are safe and healthy and sleeping well at night. Armin told me you’ve been accepted in the university student paper, congratulations. I’m sure you will be doing a great job. It’s good that Armin and Annie visit you once in a while, even if the drive is a pain in the ass. So, you and Annie get along well, huh? Though it isn’t too surprising for me because you’re kind of alike, in a way.

~~Well, I’m very sorry, Mik. I haven’t written because, well you haven’t responded, and I just don’t know what to say~~

~~I have thought about a lot of things from the last time I wrote~~

I stayed for four months in Hanoi, not only because the cost of living was relatively cheaper, but the calming atmosphere in the rural areas near the city really appealed to me. I went hiking there several times, which was tiring and a bit costly, but the peaceful feeling that came with the experience was simply worth it. I could just walk and walk and walk and hear nothing but my breathing and the birds and the leaves rustling with the blowing wind and my shoes scraping along the ground. It felt like meditating while walking, if there’s such a thing.

The mixtape was lovely, thank you. I listen to it every night before falling asleep. Helps me forget that we haven’t talked for a very long time, and it eases the pain of missing you, even though the apartment caretaker must have been so annoyed every time I asked him if there was a letter for me. Deep inside, I was hoping that you would change your mind and decide to write to me again.

I met someone. Her name’s Hitch, she’s a few years older than us and was a backpacker from UK before deciding to settle permanently in Hanoi. She was living in the same apartment complex I was staying at, so we often saw each other. I was actually grateful meeting her because she made the adjustment a whole lot easier— helping me find a temporary job in the office she was working at, introducing me to Vietnamese culture, and teaching me useful Vietnamese phrases, although thankfully a lot of people here know how to speak English.

I think she liked me. She said I could stay with her there and start a new life, told me bluntly that I looked like a lost child searching for a home. Maybe she was right. But did I like her back? I was wondering too. But I got my answer the night before I left for Tokyo. I want to spare you the details, Mik, but I think it’s important for you to know. And this is definitely not a way to hurt you or anything. Please don’t throw this in the trash.

She kissed me. And I know I’m the biggest asshole on Earth for hurting people who cares for me, but all I could think of ~~while kissing her~~ was you. How it would feel like to kiss you, how your lips would taste like, while I run my fingers through your hair, and your hand on my nape pulling me in for more. The only image that my poor, useless brain could summon was you. Just you, Mikasa.

And just like that, everything came crashing down on me like cold shower early in the morning, jolting me awake. So yeah, I asked for Hitch’s forgiveness. She was a wonderful woman who could easily find someone else, and I left for Tokyo as planned.

And now I’m here, thinking of how to say to you that I want to take my chances with you. That is, if you still want me.

~~I think I’m in love with you, Mik.~~

~~Maybe I’m in love? Kidding. I am.~~

~~I want to be with you. I want to kiss you every day and hold your hand.~~

~~I am in love with YOU, Mikasa.~~

* * *

Eren slams his fist at the table in frustration. He stares mournfully at the paper that is now nearly torn from all the erasures and scratches he made, before finally burying his head in his arms. _Tired. So tired_ , he thinks, and he knows that it isn’t as simple as fatigue from the plane trip or from climbing six flights of stairs to his room.

Since he arrived in his hotel in Tokyo, he immediately sat down and started to compose his letter, afraid to let the precious moments of clarity slip away from his fingers.

Yet four hours later, he still isn’t satisfied, and he’s starting to resent the universe, feeling betrayed that the right words seem to elude him at this most crucial time when he finally knows the answers to his questions. He likens the exhilarating feeling to that moment of comprehending a complicated math formula, when everything simply made sense to him.

But he just can’t find the perfect words to express how he feels to Mikasa.

He lifts his head and stares some more at the letter.

“Screw it,” he crumples the paper and runs out of the door.

* * *

“Mmm. Hello?” A groggy voice answers a call from an unknown number.

“Shit, what time is it there— ah, fuck— Mikasa? It’s me.”

Despite her half-asleep state, Mikasa’s brain registers the familiar rough voice on the other line. She wonders if she’s dreaming of hearing his voice again. It won’t been the first time she mistook someone else's voice as his, anyway.

“Eren?” She asks softly, eyes still closed and hovering between wakefulness and hallucination.

“Yeah, it’s me, Mik.”

The voice sounds more solid this time, and her eyes fly wide open. She brings her phone to her face and stares at it. There _is_ someone on the other line. She looks out of her window and gazes momentarily at the dark sky, before sitting up in her bed and checking the time— 2:34 am. _What in the world is happening_? She stares at her phone once more and pulls it back to her ear.

She could hear his heavy breathing, some fidgeting, and— distant car honks?

“I’m sorry, you must be really sleepy, I forgot about the time difference. I’ll just call again in the morning—”

Shoot, she forgot to speak.

“No, no, _please_ —” Mikasa quickly cuts him, anxious to keep the line. She curses herself for failing to hide the desperation in her voice, but she just needs to hear more of him. “—I’m fine. I... I think I’m awake now. A-Are you okay? Where are you?”

“Oh. I’m alright. Just a little tired. I arrived here in Tokyo today. Listen, Mik," Eren clears his throat, "I’m sorry.”

She blinks rapidly, and places a hand over her chest— she could feel her heart beating painfully against her ribcage. This is the first time in a year that they will be having a conversation.

“Sorry? For what?”

“For not writing to you for several months, and for hurting you. You don’t deserve that.”

Oh.

Sure, it has crossed her mind that she may need to prepare herself for _this_ conversation once he returns home, probably drawing up a speech where she would say that their friendship means more to her and to just forget everything in the letter and in the mixtape, but she did not expect this day to come so soon— not over the phone, not in the middle of the night, and definitely not when the heartbreak is still fresh on her mind.

“It’s okay, E-Eren,” his name doesn’t roll off her tongue easily anymore, after not speaking his name out loud for months since she received his last letter. For her, it was a symbolic act that she will be strong without him, accepting that maybe this is all they will ever be: friends. She hardens herself and carefully utters her next words.

“I... I’ve been thinking about, uhm, a lot of things recently. Everything I said was a bad idea. And... you need your time and space. I, uhm, understand if you don’t feel the same way, and it's okay, Eren. Please don't think about it anymore—”

“No!” Eren suddenly barks angrily on the other line, making Mikasa flinch. “I’m sorry— no— that’s not what I— that’s not true. I mean it is, but—"

 _Well, this is going fantastic_ , Eren shuts his eyes and breathes deeply. “Okay. I’m sorry for shouting, Mik. But also, no, you’re wrong, just wrong.”

Mikasa's brows furrow, confusion evident on her pale face. Is _he trying to break my heart again? Does he really need to say those things to me again?_

“Eren…”

“No, Mikasa. Let me finish first because long distance calls here aren’t really cheap and I think I only have a few Japanese bills here.”

She swallows hard and stays quiet, readying herself for Eren’s painful words to fill the tense and uncomfortable silence.

“I tried writing to you earlier, but I just couldn’t find the right words to tell you all this, it’s so fucking frustrating.

“Look. I really was confused of my feelings for you, Mik. There were doubts, like are you my friend? Are you like the sister I never had?” Then he lowers his voice and mutters to himself, “Although I really am stupid, you don’t wonder how it feels like to kiss your sister because that would be gross—”

“What?” Mikasa asks in a high-pitched voice, thinking if she heard Eren’s words correctly.

“N-nothing! What I’m trying to say is—” _here goes nothing,_ Eren exhales, “—I love you, Mikasa. I really do. And I’m so dense for not recognizing them early on, and I’m a coward for refusing to admit them for what they are.

“In fact, maybe I have loved you for so long, too. And maybe my doubts were always kind of true, because I _do_ know you like a sister, I _trust_ you like a friend, and I love you, uh, romantically, or whatever you call it. So it’s a win-win for us, right?” Eren chuckles, finding his reflections quite amusing.

On the other hand, Mikasa finds herself tongue-tied upon hearing Eren's unexpected words. _No, this isn't right,_ she thinks, as the armor she built in her heart dodges Eren's tender words. She couldn't accept this easily. For so many years, she has learned to live with the belief that her love for his childhood friend will forever be unrequited, this belief even strengthened by his last letter. Eren suddenly returning her feelings now just seem too good to be true. But—

“A-are you sure? Don’t take this lightly, Eren,” Mikasa bravely asks, still in complete disbelief at the turn of their conversation.

“I know, Mik. I’m sure. And even if I don’t know what love means, I am definitely, completely, unquestionably sure that I want to be with you and learn how it feels like to love you every single day of my life. I don’t want to waste any more of my time and just let something this big and meaningful pass by. I want to make you happy, Mik. I want to tell you every day that you’re beautiful. I want to be there beside you.”

Mikasa tries to fight back the tears that are now starting to fall, but they’re just so adamant to leak out of her tear ducts. In the end, she stifles her sobs with the back of her hand.

“Uhm, Mik? I think now’s the time to talk… Although I really understand if you’ve stopped waiting for me or you already have someone else or something because I would never presume that you would just lie around waiting for me when there are boys smarter than me who—”

“I love you, Eren,” Mikasa blurts out in between her hiccups and sniffs. “I love you so much. There’s no one else. There never will be.”

Eren grins, his tense shoulders visibly relaxing. Armin's right, having one's love reciprocated is indeed the greatest feeling in the world.

“I love you, Mik. Please don't cry. I miss you so, _so_ much. I’m coming home.”

“Really? Wh-what about travelling?”

“Well, at first, going on a trip alone sounds fun and exciting, but eventually, I learned that it isn’t as satisfying to discover the world on my own. That wherever I go, I always think of home, and my home is where the people I love are. But if I hadn’t gone alone, I would never have known that. So, yeah, still no regrets.

“Besides, I think I have travelled enough to satisfy me for a decade. By then, we could go together, you know, when we’re both not busy at work, you as a lawyer and me hopefully with a decent job. The world will be there for the both of us.”

Mikasa smiles to herself, relishing over the fact that Eren thinks of their future together. The armor in her heart starts melting away, unable to contain the fullness that she feels.

“Okay,” she wipes away the tears of happiness still streaming down her face.

"Okay, Mik. See you soon."

“See you later, Eren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please play “You, Me & The Sea” by Green River Ordinance at the end for maximum feels (it’s also included in Mikasa’s mixtape for Eren). The song expresses best the ending I want for the both of them, in this fic and even in canon. :)
> 
> Whew, I can’t believe I finished this thing that was at first just a random idea to distract me from the latest SNK chapter. It’s a short multi-chaptered fic, but I feel proud finishing something. Little wins, amirite?
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it, and please don't forget to leave feedback! You don’t know how much your notes and comments mean to me. I remember them always. 🥺💖 Again, thank you so much to everyone who read this, even if I’m just a newbie who got inspired by all the amazing fic writers here. See you soonest! If you want to connect, i'm polaris-thehunter at Tumblr!


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